It's not part of this blog, I should post something long time ago. And I will do that soon. But for now I'm not feeling enough to do this. I wrote this story last year and never posted. I don't know why, maybe because it's about my life. Yeah of course I changed something in this, like end of story, but sometimes I'm feeling I'm really going to die like that. But I hope also that I will find the good things in my life. Now I'm just dissapointed, because of someone who was really important to me. The worst thing is that I'm still in love with him. But even if I'm going to forgive him, it would not change anything between us.
If You read this: don't forget to pay your everything for making me jealous. And to both you: I hope you enjoyed it, but I can't understand how you could be so cruel with her. Here you are, story about us and all of my feelings from time I came here up to you forgave me. Maybe now you're going to understand that I was always loving you, even I didn't show that.
And by the way I will of course say thank you to my real friends who always are with me. Love you guys. I do zobaczenia w pierwszym rozdziale opowiadania już niedługo.
Is this love?
New place. New people.
Everything in my life has changed. I’ve never been confident person. I was
always shy and quiet. I know that is not going to help me in new school. I woke
up early today, but for real I didn’t sleep too much. I’m nervous. I didn’t
know anyone here. What, if they are not going to like me? I dressed up and went
there. It was so many people. Everyone looked happily. But I wasn’t.
Before I came here, I
fell in love. I have crushed with my friend, and then he came and helped us. It
was like love from first sight. We were happy until I moved here. He didn’t
accept this and just stopped talking with me. It was our ending, he found
another girl, I became no one to him. Now I am here and I’m beginning new life.
I hope it’s going to be better.
In new class I met
Lily. She’s so funny and is talking so much, but I like her. We were talking,
when he came. It was like déjà vu, when I looked into his eyes I forgot about
everything. It was only he and me.
-“I’m Cody, and you?”
he asked.
-“Alex” I whispered.
-“Nice to meet you.” He
said and went to his friends.
-“He has
girlfriend.”-Lily said.
-“Oh yeah.”
-“And you, have you
someone?”-She asked.
-“No longer.”
-“Cody is not good guy
for you. He is playboy.”
-“No matter. I don’t
know him. I’m not looking for love.”
-“You don’t need to
look for it. Love is going to find you.”
-“I don’t think so.”
-“You must to think
positive. Even somebody hurt you; you will find another one, better one.”
-“Maybe you’re right.”
-“Of course I am.” She
said and smiled.
When I came home, I was
thinking about him and this what Lily said. Is he so bad person? Day by day, I
met many new people, but I was still thinking about Cody. I talked with him
later. He is so funny, but he still has girlfriend. My life became better, I
stopped thinking about my past and last “love”. Yeah, now I’m not sure that was
love. My mum said one time “True love will survive all.” And she is right. So I
just began live again without thinking about him. One day I came back from school
and I met one boy. I didn’t see him before.
-“Hi.”-he said, smiled
and went.
Next day I was in my
class when he came.
-“Hey, I’m Adam. And
you?”
-“Alex”
-“Nice. How are you?”
-“Not bad and you?”
-“Very well, thanks. So
you are this new girl in school.”
-“Yeah, I think so.”
-“Why you changed
school?”
-“I moved to my dad.”
-“So, you are new in
Seattle too. Where you lived before?”
-“In Michigan.”
-“So you don’t know
many people here. Do you?”
-“No, I came here to
weeks ago.”
-“If you want, we can go
somewhere together one time.”
-“Yeah, why not.”
-“Ok. I have to go now.
See you around.”
-“Ok. See you.”
Adam. Hmm. Tall,
handsome, nice and funny. What I need more? Oh yeah, love… Why I always fall in
love in someone who don’t want me or who already has girlfriend. Why I fell in
love with Cody. Why my heart always make mistakes. Why I can not fall in love
with someone who really love and want me? Want I so much from life?
I couldn’t concentrate
on anything. I went home and began writing. I’m writing blog. Chapter by
chapter I’m telling my story under different name. When I’m sad or feeling
depressed I write and it’s helping me. I still have a dream to become a writer,
but it’s only a dream. Who is going to read my boring story? Sixteen-year-old
girl and her “problems”. Everyone is thinking that only adults have problems,
but it’s not truth. Teenagers just don’t talk about this. Like me. I felt
depressed more than one time. I was thinking that my life is fucking shit,
anybody needs me, I wanted to kill myself, but I was never that much brave to
do this. I was cutting myself night by night. But why? Hmm, because when I felt
physical pain, I concentrated on this, not on psychical pain. Nobody knew.
Every day I was putting a fake smile to my face. Everybody was thinking I’m
happy, but really I was dying. I felt empty inside.
Now it’s better.
Bracelets hide my scars and I smile, because I’m happy. I’m grateful that I’m
still alive. But I know that I have psychical problems with myself. Sometimes I
feel like psychopath or maybe I really am. I don’t know. I’m always saying to
my friends “How you can want from somebody to love you if you don’t love
yourself?” I know that I’m not perfect, nobody is, but I love myself. But I’m
not sure that someone could love me. I don’t know why, but I just feel that I’m
not good enough to find true love.
Next week I was talking
so much with Adam in the school. He became friend to me. But I was feeling he
wants more than friendship. I was asking myself “Why I fell in love with Cody
not with him?” I got to know Adam well in such a short time. I know he is
better than Cody is, and he really likes me just the way I am. But what I can
do? My heart is never listening me. Why life is so hard? We had P.T. at the end
of day. After this, I went home.
-“Aleeex! Waaait!”-
Someone screamed.
I stopped and turned
back. It was Adam. He came fast.
-“Hey”-He said
breathless.
-“Hi. Is everything
ok?”
-“Yeah. I just wanted
talk with you.”
-“Ok.”
-“Are you free
tomorrow?”
-“We have school.”
-“Yes, but I mean after
school. Have you any plans?”
-“No.”
-“We can go somewhere
together if you want.”
-“Where?”
-“I don’t know, we will
see. We can just spend more time together. I want meet you, but not only in
school.”
-“Ok, we can do it.”
-“Great. Can you give
me your number? I’ll call you.”
-“Sure.”-I said and
gave him my number.
-“Thanks. See you
tomorrow.”
-“See you.” I said, he
went to take a bus and I went home.
I was thinking a lot at
night. Should I give him chance? Or should I say that we can be only friends.
It’s better to forget about Cody. He has girlfriend and for real I don’t know
him so much. And Adam. He is like friend to me. But there is something special
with him. I feel safe and happy with him like never before. Is this love?
Maybe? Maybe I should stop thinking too much.
Next day was so long, I
didn’t see him in the school, but he messaged me at we will meet at 07.00 pm. I
was nervous. He came with Cody and one another boy. We took bus and went to
McDonald. We talked and had fun but after this Cody and his friend went. So I
was alone with Adam, we also went out. It was dark, but stars and moon were
shining. There was silent between us.
-“Can I hold your
hand?”- He asked suddenly.
I looked in his eyes
and said “Yes”
We were walking around
the town, without talking, but with feeling each other. We passed by a man who
was juggling a fire. It looked awesome. From afar, we heard a music. We sat on
a bench near the sea. Everything around was amazing, and I was with special
person. Then he grabbed my hand and pulled me to him. My pulse exploded. I
looked at him and whispered.-“I’ve never been kissed before.”
-“It’s the right time
now.”- He said.
Adam put his hand on
the back of my head and pulled me down to meet his lips. For the first time in
my life, Adam was kissing me. His lips were soft and sweet. It was a pleasant,
warm and beautiful kiss and I felt myself relax into it. After whole evening we
were together, he walked me home. It was 00:00 am. In center, we met a man who
played music. Adam stopped, talked with him and took a microphone. He rapped a
song. It was incredible. I’ve never been happier like this night. I couldn’t
asleep. I was feeling that it was only a dream, but it was reality.
Day by day, week by
week I became happier and happier. He could make me smile every time. I didn’t
regret that I gave us chance to be together. And when he said to me first time
“I love you” my heart became bigger and I just hugged him. I’ve never felt
better. Before I was thinking that nobody can loves me, but he did. And I felt
the same. I loved him.
I was talking with my
friend on Facebook. She got new dog, and sent me photo. It was so cute. And
then I got message from Cody.
-“Hey, what’s up”
-“Nothing much. Just
talking with friend.” I answered.
-“Can I ask you about
something?”
-“About what?”
-“Do you really love
Adam?”
-“Yes, I do.”
-“Oh, OK.”
-“Why you asking me
about it?”
-“I just wanted to
know.”
-“Ok?”
-“And what with me. Am
I only friend to you? Or someone more?”
-“You are good friend,
but I’m with Adam. I’m happy with him.”
-“Really? Come on Alex.
Do you love me?”
-“For real, I fell in
love with you first, when I came here. You had already girlfriend. Then I met
Adam. We became friends. But after time it was more and more. I fell in love
with him and he loves me too. We are happy.”
-“But is he honest with
you? Did he tell you how old are he?”
-“Yes.”
-“What he said?”
-“18, but he had
birthday so he’s 19 now.”
-“Hahahahahaha.”
-“Is this that much
funny?”
-“He lied. He’s 22.”
-“What? Why he would do
this?”
-“I don’t know. You are
his girlfriend, yeah?”
-“Yes.”
-“But he has another
one.”
-“What???”
-“You didn’t know?”
-“No.”
-“So, you know now.”
-“Are you fucking
kidding me?”
-“No, I just think you
should now, how your boyfriend is.”
-“He’s your friend, why
you are so cruel and tell me this?”
-“Am I cruel? Maybe
it’s going to hurt you, but he’s not only the one you can be with.”
-“What you mean now?”
-“I love you.”
-“Why you telling me
this? You have girlfriend, I have boyfriend.”
-“I broke up with her.
And your boyfriend is lying to you.”
-“I don’t know that he
lies or not. I’m going to talk with him.”
-“I’m going to wait for
you.”
-“Bye.”
I log out. I can not
believe it. Why? Is this truth? Adam has another one? Am I not good enough to
him? Maybe he needs better one. Why, why now? Now, when I’m finally happy, when
I felt safe, loved and important to him. I love him. I love him so much. I was
crying all-night and thinking about it. In the morning, I went to school. I
didn’t see him before last lesson was over. I went from school. He was waiting
for me. I didn’t know how to start talking.
-“What happened?”-He
asked.
-“Can I ask you
something?”
-“Of course.”
-“How old are you?”
In this moment I still
hoped that this what Cody said was lie. He looked at me and answered.
-“22”
In one second, my life
lost meaning.
-“Why you lied to me?”
-“I wanted to know you
better.”
-“You didn’t need to
lie.”
-“I was thinking,
you’re not going to talk with me when you get I’m older than you so much.”
-“For me it’s not
important how old are you. But I hate liars.”
-“You know the truth
now.”
-“I have one more
question.”
-“Just ask me.”
-“Have you another
girlfriend?”
-“No.”
-“Really?”
-“Yeah, why you ask me
about it?”
-“I want just to know.”
-“Do you trust me or
not?”
-“I don’t know who is
telling me truth and who not. I know you lied me.”
-“But I have not
another girl. Really.”
It was too much to me.
I went home, crying all the way. It was end of my life in this moment. I felt
so bad. I couldn’t stop thinking. It was end of our relationship. Week by week
I was still thinking about this and asking myself why? Cody wanted to be with
me, after I became single. I said no. I didn’t want more pain. I couldn’t trust
when someone was saying “I love you”. I became depressed. It was very hard time
in my life. My heart was broken, I was missing Adam, I have seen him almost
every day. I’ve always putted smile on my face, but inside I wanted scream how
I really feel. I couldn’t cope with my emotions.
Weeks passed, I still
had broken heart. But I decided to forget. It wasn’t easy. I began smiling for
real. Only at night I got nightmares. After a long time Cody messaged again
that, he’s still waiting for me. I guessed that maybe this is love. We became
couple. It was good. But for real he has never know that for me it was never
love. When I was with him I was thinking about Adam. When he kissed me I was
thinking about Adam and our first kiss. When he broke up with me by posting
“I’m fucking single.” I’ve been broken
again, not because he made me pain. Because I got to know, how it is when
someone who is important leave you. After one month, Cody wanted come back to
me. I wanted just check him this time. Because I get to know that, he’s liar
and he’s just cheating me. I finally got how he is for real. Cody was liar not
Adam. I was no one for Cody. He is just a playboy who wants to fuck every girl.
He cheated me. I was so stupid that I didn’t trust Adam. I have no idea how he
felt this time. I hurt him. Why I trusted wrong person? Why I always make
mistakes?
In summer break, I went
to Michigan to meet my friends. I was there more than one month. I was thinking
a lot. I couldn’t stop thinking that I destroyed true love with Adam, because I
trusted to someone else. I’ve never felt like that before. When I came back, I
was in another school, without Adam. I told whole story to my friend Martina.
She helped me by listening me. I was not too brave to talk with him. I knew
that it’s me who destroyed everything, but I regretted. I wrote to him letter:
“I saw the sadness in your eyes, but I did not know what to say. I couldn’t
think of anything to say that would take your pain away so I kept on saying in
my head “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” It was never my intention to hurt
you or cause you pain. Destiny conspired to drive this wedge between us and all
I want is for this burden to be lifted. I’m sorry. I know. I made mistake. Now
I can just say I’m so sorry.”
I went to his school
and put it in his computer. Week by week I was thinking more and more. I’ve
never forget about him. Even when I was thinking he lied to me, I was still in
love with Adam. One day I just decided to send him last message. If he wants to
answer, he is going to do this, if not, I have to accept it. So I sent: “Hi.
Maybe I was waiting too long to say sorry. I know I made mistake. I didn’t
trust you then. I regret this every day. Now I just want to say sorry even it
is hard to forgive me.”
I was waiting to
answer. After few days he called me. I couldn’t believe it. When I heard his
voice again, I was so happy. He forgave me. We became friends. My life became
better in one moment. We’ve meet with his friend and had fun. I couldn’t
believe that he talk with me again after this what I made.
But I still felt that you don't trust me, and don't want me in your life more. I knew that you love someone else and would never love me again. It wasnext time in my life, when I
wanted to kill myself, but again I wasn’t too brave to do this. So I just cut
my skin, deeper and deeper. When whole hand was in the blood, I stopped. Every
day was the same to me, every day I was crying and cutting myself.
But not this evening.
This night would be another one. I took paper and wrote letter to you.
“It’s the same again.
You said you forgave me. We are friends now. But are we really or was it joke?
Day by day I’m just thinking about you. Yeah I don’t feel just friendship to
you, but it’s only inside of me. I don’t want more from you, because I know you
don’t feel the same to me. I just wanted to have contact with you. You’re the
one I need to live. Maybe you think I’m stupid now, because I love you. But I’m
not. Now it’s time in my life when I’m finally sure what I’m feeling, now I
know that this one who I really love is you. It took long time to understand,
but it’s better to understand this now than never. I can not stop thinking
about you. When I close my eyes I see every memory with you. I was very happy.
I destroyed this. But now I can’t go back in time. Now it’s too late to this
love. Without you, everything lose sense. I feel sad, even if something good
happened. No matter what is going on, if you are not next to me I feel so
empty. Every time when I’m thinking too much it’s hurting me. I get new cuts to
forget for one moment that my life is so bad, I’m so bad, because it’s me who
destroyed US. I cut my skin, see blood and realized, yeah it’s my life now,
you’re not coming back, I’m just loser who hoped that one day will be okay. But
now I hope no more. I’m giving up. Remember that I was never loved someone like
you. Good-bye my love.
P.S.
Do you remember, once
time you played me song “Is this love?” Now I know, that this is love, true
love. I can’t live without you. I can’t live without your love. Remember that
I’ve never wanted to hurt you. Sorry for everything. Sorry that I was not good
part of your life. You were the best part of mine. But now I have to go to
another world. Now I have to die. I wish you all the best in your life.”
***
Next day her father
found her dead. She slashed her wrists. Adam got her last letter. She killed herself because of him and nobody knows what he felt this time. Alex was too
young to die. She always would find this true love. She did it, but she
understood this too late. But until her end her love to him was true even he doesn't matter and didn't want her more.
